When You Are Being Nice, Are You Loving Or Controlling?

 When You Are Being Nice, Are You Loving Or Controlling?


Our society has long trained children to be “nice.” Being nice might mean:

Telling white lies so as not to hurt another’s feelings, such as agreeing with them when yo  GWG Lawsui u really disagree.

Listening politely when someone is going on and on, even when you are so bored you can hardly stand it.

Pretending to not be affected by rudeness or sarcasm.

Giving compliments that you don’t really mean.

In your relationships with others, being nice often means being inauthentic. It can be a form of control – attempting to control how others feel about you or how they respond to you.

Being loving, on the other hand, means being honest and authentic. It means being kind, but truthful. Being loving is about caring about yourself and the other person, rather than trying to control the other person by being nice.

Hailey and Emma have been good friends for a couple of years. They speak regularly on the phone and meet for lunch fairly often. In one of my phone sessions with Hailey, she explored a situation concerning Emma that is a problem for her.

“I really like Emma, but I frequently get bored with our conversations. She tends to go on and on telling stories that don’t seem to have a point to them. Most of the time the stories are really complaints about the people in her life. I’d be interested in the stories if they led to some interesting learning or exploration, but without that, I just end up feeling dumped on. It’s getting so that I don’t look forward to talking with her anymore.”

“Hailey, how do you respond when Emma does that?”

“Well, sometimes I say, ‘It would be more interesting to me if we could explore and learn something from this situation. Other times, I just listen.”



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